Alternative Black History Month Facts

MRS OLUWAFUNMILAYO JENNIFER ONABANJO: First to give a white dude...

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:43:07 +0100

MRS OLUWAFUNMILAYO JENNIFER ONABANJO: First to give a white dude a taste of Supermalt.

“That’s the taste of success and uncommon joy right there,” she is said to have told him.

Katie Watkins: First to find out that her black friend is NOT kissing her teeth at her as a term of endearment

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:00:55 +0100

DRIZELLA GORDON: First offically recorded Afro-Caribbean sufferer of 'lack-of-rhythm syndrome'

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 12:24:00 +0100

“We first noticed it when she was small and it’s never got better. She’s five now,” said Drizella’s mother Sandra. “We put some soca on, didn’t we Dennis? – and it was sad to watch. Clapping on the threes. And it was no better with reggae or soul.”

“I tried some home therapy at first,” interjects Dennis. “See, I’m a drummer, and Sandra’s a dance teacher. Boof, boof, boof. One-two, one-two. But it never took. We had to fly to the States to see a specialist. I mean… a black person with no rhythm… something wasn’t right.” He shakes his head sadly.

Sandra places a comforting hand on his shoulder. “And you know what? This is something the black community needs to face up to. I see plenty of people in my classes who are in denial.”

New York club promoter Gill Johnson knows the denial and shame of rhythmlessness only too well. Nicknamed ‘Whitey’ by his friends, he recalls his teen years:

“I basically spent the years I should have been going out crying in my bedroom. Drag balls were not an option. But I knew I couldn’t be alone, you know? The gay scene is real unforgiving sometimes, but when I started my ‘On The Threes’ club night it was kind of a joke… until other rhythmless black people started coming to it. Gay and straight. And it don’t matter. Disco, house music, funk, hip hop… it’s a rainbow of rhythmlessless under one roof. And it’s beautiful.”

Drizella bobs happily, if awkwardly, to a steady mid-tempo beat tapped out by Dennis on his drum kit. Far from sad, it is indeed beautiful to watch. Sandra looks on wistfully. “She’ll fight to be accepted, but the way those arms flail… if anyone starts on her, they’ll regret it. Dancing’s not the be all and end all.. She can learn to box.”

‘The Black Girl Who Dances White’ will be shown on Channel Four this autumn*.

*Will not actually happen so don’t go checking TV Times, innit. Ta.

KWAME MARFO: First to attempt the LL Cool J lick lip on English soil

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 20:49:58 +0100

Kwame was 15 when he attempted this fuckery. He received an eye roll and a kiss of the teeth for his troubles.

Now 37 and still living in Bristol, Kwame acknowledges it was a “risky move. But it’s LL, you know? I had to try it.”

JUDAYAT ‘JUDY’ ADEGBENRO: First to modify her...

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 13:14:00 +0100

JUDAYAT ‘JUDY’ ADEGBENRO: First to modify her Arabic/Muslim first name.

SARAH HAMILTON: The first white teacher in inner city London to...

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 13:31:00 +0100

SARAH HAMILTON: The first white teacher in inner city London to organise an ‘Afrikan drumming’ session to help her multicultural classroom ‘learn’ about their ‘heritage’.

Black History Month 2012

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 13:18:04 +0100

E ka bo, Wha’ gwan and Karibu!

Welcome to the most glorious of months - Black History Month. Have you embroidered your celebratory dashiki? Bought some questionable art showcasing black love? Called an unknown black woman in the street ‘sister’, yet? We hope so!

We’ll try to update this blog with more examples of little known Black History Facts as the month goes on. Join us, won’t you?

Remember, if we do not document our history, others will write it for us. And it won’t be funny.

Ashe.

Verneisha Rhone, aged 6: The first child to threaten to call the NSPCC

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:36:05 +0100

On receiving a smacking, Verneisha deemed the punishment harsh, and grandly announced that she was going ‘to call the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children’.

Her mother Margaret responded with a curt ‘Here’s the phone, then’ as she manually dialled the number.

SARAH ONYEKWELU: First to gel ‘baby hair’ into...

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 18:00:06 +0100

SARAH ONYEKWELU: First to gel ‘baby hair’ into ‘s’-shape curl using Glaze, a rat-tail comb and an old toothbrush.

“First, I pull out the baby hair at my temples and my nape,” she explains. “Then I apply the Glaze with my forefinger - the more you put on, the shinier it looks.”

Sarah then shapes the baby hair - “sometimes, I go with a zig-zag pattern and one time, I did it in a heart shape,” she laughs - and then puts on a headscarf to let the style set. An hour later, she’s good to go.

Roysten Lloyd, aged 9: The last child to get 'the belt'

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 15:00:00 +0100

Roysten’s crime was to steal a bag of Pick’n’Mix sweets from Woolworth’s, get caught, and then lie about it.

The sentencing court (parents Charrington and Leticia) agreed that 2 lashes to an open palm were the right and proper punishment. Roysten was sent to select the leather belt from father Charrington’s collection. He reportedly hid in the cellar for two hours instead, and was rewarded with a third lash for his troubles.

Now 33, Roysten, the youngest of five children, says: ‘It didn’t do me any long-term harm. In fact, it got me much-needed bragging rights. I can stand proudly in front of my siblings and say: “I wasn’t beaten much… but at least I was beaten.” That’s the important thing.’

'Uncle' Leroy T. MacNeish

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 12:00:00 +0100

The first to purchase a brand new secondhand BMW, for the sole purpose of driving around yelling ‘Ssst! Princess!’ at nobody in particular.

TINU FASHINA (second from right): First Nigerian schoolgirl to...

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 19:30:54 +0100

TINU FASHINA (second from right): First Nigerian schoolgirl to claim R Kelly was actually born Robert Kelechukwu in Imo State, Nigeria.

“Are you calling me a liar? I saw the birth certificate in Hints magazine!” she cried, when questioned on her sources.

R.W. Percy's of Southend: Last shop in the UK to sell golliwog dolls

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 17:12:02 +0100

‘It’s PC gone mad,’ said Mrs Percy, shaking her head and dabbing her eyes with tissue as she removed the last few golliwog dolls from the shelf, after a number of customer complaints finally convinced her to withdraw them from sale.

‘I mean, I’ve had plenty of coloureds in the shop over the years. They always come in, looked around, and walked out without buying nothing. I don’t understand why.’ Holding up a toy, she said, ‘He’s an ‘appy, smiling fella. Surely that ain’t offensive, is it?’

...the first to start the rumour of the Nando's 'Black Card'

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 12:06:18 +0100

“Nah blad, there’s no Nando’s card. Look at my hand. It’s empty. Urban myth, innit”

We don’t know for sure that it’s Dizzee, as the sources are shrouded in mystery.

The unguarded whisperings of a select cabal of UK rappers have fuelled the real urban myth - that of the Nando’s Black Card, awarded to high-profile and loyal customers, and which entitles the holder to a lifetime of free chicken and an irony bypass.

We want to believe it’s out there… Sightings have been reported, but neither the rappers nor Nando’s PR will confirm or deny outright.

We smell a conspiracy… but that might also be peri-peri chips. BRB